あなたの文章
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指摘箇所 |
Dear ##,
(1)_ Our company (2hold soon2) _ exhibition for new product. (3I am so sorry to trouble in busy time3) but we (4ask you attend to exhibition4). On the day we demonstrate new product and hold (5)some seminar. (6)_ Thank you again for your (6)_ patronage.
Regards,
## |
| 添削結果 |
Dear ##,
We are pleased to announce that our company will soon hold an exhibition for new products as described below. We realize you are very busy, but would be pleased if you could find time to attend this event. We are planning to demonstrate new products and also hold a variety of seminars.
As always, we thank you for your continued patronage.
Best regards,
## |
| 解説 |
(1) form
In business it is good form to begin announcements about events with something like We are pleased to announce . . .
(2) verb form / word order
Use the future form (will) here. The adverb "soon" should come before the main verb.
(3) grammar / word choice
Avoid using "sorry" unless you really must apologize for something. Instead, you can acknowledge that the reader is busy with "We realize you are busy, but . . ." or, "We understand you have a busy schedule, but . . ."
(4) word choice / grammar
When making requests in business, it is polite to say, "We (I) would be grateful if . . ." You could also use "be pleased" or "appreciate it": We would be please if you . . . / We would appreciate it if you . . . "To" is not needed after "attend".
(5)
word choice
"Variety" has a more positive meaning.
(6) form
Your sentence is correct, but lacks good business form. |
| アドバイス・コメント |
Dear Ms. Uehara,
Your email could be understood as written, but I suggest reviewing some fixed expressions for business email. You can find some examples in our business email writing guide.
Good luck,
Charles |
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